I'm not lost. I'm taking the scenic route.

A lot of this is a love note to my wife but there will occasionally be a random thought thrown in every once in a while.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Yes Mr. Pussident

Some of you may think I am being a little harsh on Pres. Logan by speaking out so loudly about what a pussy he is. But that is one of the things that make this country so great. You can speakout about your leaders nad not get your head cut off.
Last year when he was V.P. and the other Pres. was shot down in Air Force One He stayed in the bunker underneath the Whitehouse like a little bitch because he was scared that the missle may be heading toward Washington DC. Logan even told his chiefs of staff that he wasn't coming out until they found the missle. Pussy. Pres. Palmer came out of retirment to handle the situation and lead while he had his head between his legs kissing his ass good bye. Palmer, knowing how important it is for the Pres. to be a leader even staged a scene for Logan to look like he was in charge. Palmer handled everything from the word go and every time something went wrong he told everyone how incompetent they were. After everything was over Logan looks at Palmer and says, "You had a role today. You had a role." YA THINK!!! And then when Palmer voiced concerns about the person taking Jack into custody Logan told him he had no right to question his judgment about his men. The guy is weak. His wife has more common sense and a better grasp at what is going on and she is heavily medicated.
Logan is the kid in school who thought he was cool and popular that all the other kids picked on. You know the guy. The one that latches onto the new girl at school and tells her how everyone likes him and then when they are walking down the hall and he says high to the popular kids, he gets stuffed in a locker. When he gets out he tells the new girl, "Those guys are always playing around like that." Idiot!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

*Chloe? My Dogs Name Is Chloe.

As promised, here is my take on Chloe from 24. But first, a disclaimer.

I am sure that the actress that plays Chloe on 24 is a very nice person and possibly even very pretty when she smiles. This is a comment on the character she plays and not on her. Thank you.

Chloe is a lesbian. You may wonder how I have come to this conclusion. I will tell you.
First- You could have cut the sexual tension between her and Edgar with a knife. He wanted her so bad but was always to timid to say anything to her. He probably had his suspicions about her sexuality too. That and he was afraid of Jack.
Second- The way she pushes everybody away that could possibly get close to her. She does not want anyone to know she is a lesbian.
Third- The way she looked at the new female character that came onto the show last night let you know that she was having "thoughts" about her.

Now I am not saying she is a lesbian because she want to be a lesbian. She was probably pushed into the lifestyle. Her longing for Jack has left her frigid toward other men. I know at one time she was sleeping with one of her co-workers but this was simply a mask to cover up her true desire to be with either Jack or a woman that Jack would be with. It is her way of sharing something special and private with Jack. But we cannot forget that Chloe also has the slightest bit of a jealous, anti-social psychotic side. If someone hurts Jack she will hurt them.

Audrey Rains, you need to watch out. Chloe is like a praying mantis. She will have sex with you and then chew your head off. Consider yourself warned.

Tomorrow I will tell youabout why I think President Logan is such a big pussy.

*I really do hace a dog named Chloe

Monday, March 27, 2006

24 More

There has been much outcry for my take on 24. So this is for my loyal reader, all three of you.
Tonite I started watching the new season. I know it is half over but I felt like I could catch up pretty quickly. It is kind of like a soap opera and relatively easy to follow. A terrorist is trying to kill a bunch of people, there are moles in the government organizations, Jack tortures someone and then saves the day.
Tonite we got to the torture part and he got to semi-torture one of my least favorite characters, Audrey Rains. Remember last season Jack electrocuted her husband and then let him die in surgery so he could give a chinese co-conspirator immunity. This season it was Audrey's turn. Her name was given to Jack by a terrorist as someone who sold her information. They want to question her at CTU but Jack wants 10 minutes alone with her first to see what he can get out of her. (We already know what Jack puts into her.) He goes in and asks her if she knows anything. Of course she doesn't. He gives her names of people in the government who are part of this years, or should I say todays, terrorist plot. He gives her the name of one of the presidents closest advisors. Yes, he is the traitor. She says that she met him in a few board meetings and that was it. Then Jack pulls out the big guns. Reciepts from a hotel that she AND the traitor stayed. Lets see, she has an affair with Jack, watches as Jack "questions" her husband with electrical wires and then she has sex with a traitor. And oh yes, he was married, but appearently seperated from his wife. So I guess that makes it ok. After Jack shows her the reciepts she is like, "Oh yeah. I did sleep with him. But it was only one time and I was embarassed to tell you because he is a traitor...now." She is supposed to be like this sympathetic character but the person I feel bad for is her dad. He is like a head of security or something for the government but his kids are so screwed up. I mean last season he found out his son was a pawn in the terrorist plot for the day and a homosexual and this year, oops I mean today, it comes out that his slut daughter slept with a traitor. I bet he hates Jack because everytime he is with him, something embarrasing comes out about his kids.
I get to add another severly despised character to my list. It is the girl that took Edgar's place. Appearently she filed a sexual harassment suit against one of her superiors. Well low and behold, he is on todays case and has a bit of a beef with her. They had a little run in and Chloe came to her rescue. I have a theory about Chloe I will discuss later in another blog. Anyway, something comes up and she is able to shed some light on the properties of miltary nerve gas. After she gives this information the Head for a Day pats her on the shoulder, tells her good job and runs to wherever it is that he takes things. After he leaves she turns to Chloe and aks, "Did you see the way he touched me on the shoulder? He should not have done that." WTF!!! It is not like he slapped her on the ass and said, "Your gettin' a big bonus now." He told her thanks. Now even Chloe thinks she is crazy. Like Chloe has any room to talk.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Uuuuuuh. What?

My brain is futzed up. I have been working on a moc-appraisal and things are not going right. I used to do this professionally and now I am having trouble with it. It is not the entering the info on the forms it getting the forms to were I need them to go. Admittedly they did not have these features in the software when I was an appraiser but I am frustrated that I am having so much trouble with it. The trainer is pretty cool though. We pretty much have it narrowed down to a systems problem because the computer would not let me add something that it needed to. Why? I do not know, I am not a tech. That has become quite obvious.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Back To The Grind

I am here at my job at lunch. Even though I have used the software I will be selling it has been a LONG time since I have used it. I am basically having to relearn the entire program. Loads of fun.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Lick-O-The Irish

I finally got a freakin' job! I had three potential jobs lined up and one of them finally came through. The first job was at a call center as a manager. I am way qualified to be a manager at a call center as most of my work experience has been in some form of customer service. Yes, I am all about the people. I was pumped about the potentially, semi-great salary but not very excited about shift work. The secodn job was as a pimp at a dating service. Yes, I was going to be a pimp and set people up on dates. Like I said, I am all about the people. I was very excited about the earnig potential from this gig but the hours where going to suck. Noon to nine Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Joy would have been a single mom for the most part and I would have had to set her up with a date from one of the 'clients'. The third was with a software company doing B2B sales. I have actually used the software before and am fairly familiar with it the product. Iwent throught the first interview and everything was VERY cool. The person I spoke with said he we call me back for a second interview. When they finally called back they did not even mention a second interview but offered me the job! GO ME!! I am no longer a drain on the state and everyone elses tax dollar. I get to be a contributing member of society again! I am so excited!
I will see you all at work on Monday.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Kiss My Ass, I'm Irish.

Yes it is that day of the year were EVERYBODY is Irish. Everyone wears green, puts on their best (or worst) Irish accent and drinks green beer.
First of all just about everyone around here has a little Irish in them. Along with some American Indian, German, Scott and probably some African American. So we pretty much have all of the holidays and special ethnic celebration days covered.
Second, beer is not green naturally. If it is green naturally, check the date.
Third, many Irish pubs, in Ireland, serve their beer at room temp. How many people in America like their beer at room temp? Ok, I actually do like my beer at room temp. but that is besides the point.
Fourth, green aggs and ham is not Irish. It is Seuss.
Fifth, God DID invent whiskey so the Irish would not take over the world.
Sixth, go get shot of whiskey, chase it with a nice warm pint, pinch that good looking lass with the red hair that is not wearing green and remember, that green dye they put in the beer will stain the rug when you puke so hit the bucket.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Get Off My Back, Jack

I need to clear a few things up here. The only reason why I have been so eat up with 24 and Jack Bauer is because he was forced on me for more than two days. He had invaded my house and was the hub on which all conversation revolved.
Now I may have a bit of a man crush on Jack because like I have said before, he is a mans man and very easy to like. Besides, if you do not like him, or give him your wife, he will poke you with eletrical wires.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Nothing Gets In Jacks Way.

My wife has been watching season 4 of 24. She waits until the season is over so she can rent them the video store and watch them all in one week. That way she does not have to live in suspense all week long.
We watched an episode the other night were Jack was going to question a guy about his involvment in a terrorist plot. A little back ground. Jack has been dating Audrey. Audrey and her husband have been seperated but are still married. Yes, Jack and Audrey are adulterers. Paul is Audrey's husband. Paul figured out that Jack and Audrey were sleeping together and Paul is the suspect that Jack was questioning. His name was on a lease for a building the terrorists were using to plan their attacks. This is how the scene went down.
Jack sends Audrey over to Paul's hotel room to stall him until Jack can get there. She goes over there under the disquise they will try to save their marriage. When Jack gets there he walks right up to Paul and knocks him out. When Paul comes to he is tied to a chair. Jack is now into his interogation mode. He throws water on Paul and asks him what he knows about the building. Paul tells him knows nothing. Audrey is just watching. Jack then goes over to a table and pulls the cord out of a lamp. He asks Paul the question again. Paul tells him nothing. Jack then sticks the bare wires on his chest and eletrocutes the hell out of Paul. Audrey is upset by this but she does not leave. Finally Paul offers to show Jack the information on his computer. Jack looks at it and Paul is completely innocent of any wrong doing.

First of all, if someone is threatening me with a friggin eletrical cord I am spilling my guts. Especially if I don't have anything to do with what is going on. Second, he may have been the jilted husband but come on man. The guy has a friggin eletrical cord and you know he is going to use it!
Third, if your wife watches her boy-friend eletrocute you, the marriage is pretty much over and you owe neither of them anything. I mean nothing. This brings me to the next scenerio.

Later Paul and Jack are at the building. There is gun play and Paul pushes Jack out of the way and takes the bullet. WTF!!! The guy has been poking your wife and made you piss your pants by eletrocuting you. Let him take the bullet! Hell, shoot him yourself! As Paul is in surgery Audrey is so upset about her husband. Whatever. If she loved him so much she should not have been scroggin Jack. Tramp. I am not a big Audrey fan as you can see.

Now Jack is a smart guy. So why would he want to get involved with a married women? I mean, if she will screw around on her husband why would she NOT screw around on him? Probably because he is Jack Freakin Bauer that is why and nobody screws around on Jack Freakin Bauer if they know what is good for them.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

You Don't Know Jack. Bauer That Is.

My wife has a boyfriend. He works in another city and is usually to busy to call her. (Luckily) She will spend at least an hour with him a week and sometimes up to four hours ruining a whole evening. I must admit he is hard not to want to be with. He is a man's man. He takes no shit and will kill someone if they do not tell him want he wants to know. I have tried this with the kids but it does not have the same effect. The odd thing is he only really works one day a year. God knows what he does the other 364 days but he seems to be paid very well. He knows VERy powerful people, including the president of the United States. In fact he has the guy on speed dial! The place he works for seems a little flaky though. It is some counter-terrorism organization with the government. The only problem with the place is they do not seem to do any back ground checks on ANYONE! I have seen people that work there who actually where terrorists! WTF! He even got his daughter a job there right out of high school. Oh yeah. No college and she gets some kick ass job working for this govt. agency. Me, I get a degree and I can't even get hired to sell cars.
There was one year he was gone infultrating some drug ring. (This explains one absence.) While he was gone he picked up a drug habit. Did he get fired? Oh hell no. But here he is saving the U.S. from terrorist while he is driving around in his govt. vehicle shooting smack into his arm. My tax dollar at work.
He decides to retire and instead of having a party, he fakes his own death.
What is an average fellow to do? If I were to go around threatening people to get information and not telling them for whom I worked I would get locked up. Oh, but don't think I am not working up to it. I already have a number programmed into my phone that may or may not be the President.
Now tell me what I want to know or I will shoot you in the leg.

I'm A Biker. I Bike.

I have wanted a motorcycle for at least 8 years now. Joy and I had made a deal that she would get a baby and I would get a motorcycle. Well we had four daughters and now, three years later, I have a motorcycle. It is a 1983 V65 Magna. I am pumped. It is a LOT more motorcycle than what I really wanted for my first street bike but I guess I will learn very quickly to respect it. I had it for a day before I got the nerve to ride it. Joy kept asking me why I wasn't out tearing up the streets. I told her it was a bit big and had more power that what I wanted or needed for my first street bike. She said, "It's not like you have to use all of it." I looked at her kind of funny and told her she was right. She hears that a lot. Later that night she came out to the garage and told me to take the bike out. She did not ask me, she told me. I pushed it down the drive, fired it up and tooled around the neighborhood. About a block from the house, it died. I ran out of gas. Idiot. We went and got some gas and I had her hop on the back. I took her around the block and we had a ball. The next night she sent the girls outside for me to take them around the block. Rikki LOVED it. She can't wait until I come to pick her up from school on the bike. Amber did not have as much fun. When we go back from going around the block I asked her if she liked it. With a nervous grin she shook her head yes. I asked her if she was scared and she said yes. Good. I don't need to worry about some guy showing up on a motorcycle to take her out on a date.
When it was Joy's turn she wanted to go out on a main street. I felt pretty comfortable so we took it out for a few miles. When we got back we were both pumped on how much fun it was. In fact we came back, picked up some movies and went to the video store. The traffic scared the crap out of me but I kept my cool and had a blast.
We are now bike people. I told Joy I wanted to get her a leather halter top and some chaps. She declined. Now I guess I just need to come up with a cool biker name. Let the good times roll.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Please Tell Me Its Over

We have been back from Cali for two days and I am still tired. I guess I should catch you up before I give the ups and downs of the trip to Cali. My dad had a defibulator put in his chest in December. About a month ago his chest started turning red around the defib. He went to the doctor in Cali and he told him he needed to get to OKC and go to the hospital. He did and the had to crack his chest open to take a wire from the defib out of his heart that had a Staff Infection. Yeah. A Staff Infection in his heart. Not a good thing. Since he is going to be in OKC for a while he did not want to leave his truck and trailer in Cali so he asked me to go out there and drive it back. I have no job, still, so I was pumped on the excuse to take the kids to Disneyland. (I do have an interview today)
Back to the trip. Joy and I decided to take Amber and Rikki with us because they have obviously never been to Disney or seen the ocean. After talking about it we decided to take Sara also because she is the PERFECT age for Disney. I will let Joy cover all the "good stuff" from the trip, (joyketch.blogspot.com) and I will cover the crappy stuff.
The flight to Cali was uneventful. There were no beatings administered and all was well. Joy had everything lined out for the car rental and hotel. We go to National to pick up our car and the girl asks us for a credit card. This is pretty much how the conversation went:
Girl: That card will not work.
Joy: But it is a Visa and we have never had this trouble before.
Girl: We cannot accept this card. Do you have a return ticket?
Joy: No. We are driving back in my father-in-law's car.
Girl: I cannot not release the car without a major credit card or a return ticket.
Joy: This is crazy. I have never had this trouble before and the car is already paid for through Priceline.
Girl: Sorry ma'am. We need a major credit card or a return ticket.
Monty: This is shit. Get me a manager.
Girl leaves.
Joy: Monty calm down.
A man in the next window starts talking to his little helper about what is going on at our little window and quickly gets a "Go to Hell and I happen to have a map you can use" look from me.
Girl comes back.
Girl: We cannot release the car without a major credit card or a return ticket.
I call my uncle who lives about five minutes away from the airport to see if we can use his CC. He starts to laugh and tells me he is not in town and cannot help. Damn. We call my mom to see if she will let us use her CC. She says no problem.
Joy: Ok. We have a CC that we can use. Would you like to talk to the person who owns it?
Girl: We have to see the CC ma'am.
Monty: This is shit. Get me a manager.
Girl leaves.
Joy: Monty calm down.
Joy asks me to go check on the kids as she can tell I am about to explode all over this girl. As I am turning around to come back Joy has walked off and is talking to a guy in another line.
Nice Guy: Here is what you need to do. Go get a refundable ticket. It does not matter what it costs just get it, bring it back, show it to them and refund the ticket. I have had to do this before.
We go directly BACK to the airport, explain the situation to the lady at the ticket counter and she says, "No problem. If you can get back here in thirty minutes I can refund the ticket and the money will never be taken out of your account."
We go back to National, show them the ticket and get our car. There was a new guy at the counter so the transaction went like it was supposed to. As we were pulling out of the parking lot I look back at the girls and gave them this warning; "Hang on girls. Daddy is gonna drive this car like he stole it" and screeched out of the National lot.
We went to Laguna Beach and had a great time. Joy took lots of pictures. We then decided to go to L.A. By this time we were pushing five o'clock and we got into L.A. during crawl hour. It sucked! Enough said.
Now for the drive home. My dads truck is a 3/4 ton extended cab. His trailer is a 28' fifth wheel. I have pulled many trailers but never a fifth wheel and my first experience puling one is going to be over mountains and desert half way across the country. There is nothing like trial by fire. We get underway and everything is moving great. I am going slow so we are cool. The scenery is beautiful as we get into the mountains. Then they start throwing road signs at me. The first is a "Deer Crossing" sign. No sweat, we see those in Oklahoma. Then its a "Steep Grade" sign. We are in the mountains, its to be expected. Then a "Falling Rock" sign. Why are they throwing rocks at me? Then, oh yes there is more, there is a post with a wind sock that says, "Beware of strong gusts." So now I am being attacked by deer, pushed down a steep hill with rocks being thrown at me while the wind is trying to blow me off the road. Lets hear it for road trips!!! We survuve all that and make it to Flagstaff to bed down for the night. We find a motel and there is just enough room to pull the truck and trailer in. Joy goes and talks to Abu about the charges. He says it will be sixty dollars. Joy tells him thank you and we begin to leave. About then the guy comes running outside to catch Joy. She goes back in and negotiates it down to forty dollars. Yes, my wife can barter like and Arab horse trader. No offense meant toward any Arab horse traders who may be reading, take it as a compliment. The next morning I see that there is no easy or direct way to pull the trailer out so I have to back up. Did I mention that I cannot see out the back window? Anyway, Joy is behind me with a walkie talkie radio giving me directions. I have now successfully backed up a fifth wheel with no casualities. Go me! We are back on the road. That day we are all tired and the kids are driving us nuts. There are some neat things to see on the trip back to OKC and one of them is a meteor crater. Yes, we stopped to see a big hole in the ground that was caused by a large chunk of metal falling from the sky. It was actually pretty cool. While there, we had the kids run as much as possible so they would be less likely to talk the whole trip. Everything was great until it was time to leave. There were some pretty rocks in the gift shop that the girls liked so we decided to get a couple. The older girls got theirs and then Sara, our six year old picked hers out. It is a pretty pink stone that had been sliced very thin to show all the colors. Joy told her to be careful with just before she dropped it...the first time. The second time she dropped it the rock broke. Sara no longer wanted that one. There are signs ALL in this shop that explain if you break it you bought it. Try explaining that one to a six year old. There was crying, a huge temper tantrum and spanking. Back on the road everythign ran smooth. We stopped in Gallup, NM for lunch. To our suprise we found a Greek restaurant. It was great accept Joy almost got our food spit on. Here is little pointer on Greeks. Most of them hate it whem you pronounce one of their words wrong. Example: Gyro is pronounced Yee-ro, not Gi-ro. Joy ordered Moussaka. Pronounced Moo-sa-kah correct way to say it. With out looking up from her order pad the waitress said, "Sure." I ordered Slouvaki. The girls got things that were easier to pronounce. When the waitress came back to fill our water glasses I asked her if they had Ouzo since this was a Greek restaurant. She looked at me like she did not know what that was and said they could not serve liquor on Sunday. I said ok. When she brought our food out she placed Joy's in front of her and made sure she pronounced it correctly. Joy had to correct her again. When she placed my plate down she said, "And here is whatever you ordered." She did not even try to say it. She was not hateful or ugly about it. In fact she was very nice. I explained to her that Joy was Greek and we all kind of chuckled about the whole thing. If you ever travel through Gallup, stop at the Olympic Cafe. It is very good.
We got to Tucumcari, NM and heard from the locals what a miserable little place it is. When we stopped for gas all the attendants were like. "Get the hell out while you can." What was wierd is that two of the three guys that we talked to went there because of women and had gotten stuck there. Further proof that men will do anything for love (or pussy). Hopped up on energy drink I felt like I could make it back home that night but the wife and kids had other plans. They were all tired and wanted to stop for the night in Amarillo. I conceded and we slept for about 7 hours.
The final leg of our journey looked to be the easiest. The lanscape between Amarillo and OKC is relatively flat. We are in the great plains here people. Now, while the flatness means no climbing uphill it also means nothing to block the wind. The wind was terrible! Did I mention that this was my first time to pull a fifth wheel? We pull into our last gas stop and I have to pull over to the diesel pumps where the BIG trucks get fuel. As I am fueling up a trucker walks by and says, "I wish they would turn off the fan." Truckers are funny. We get fuel and are on our way. About an hour from home (YEAH!) a guy pulls up next to the truck and starts pointing for us to pull over. I look out the window and the one of the over hang arms has come loose from the top of the trailer. DAMN IT! I pull over, get out, Joy wants to get home so bad she climbs up the ladder to try and fix it. When she comes down I go up and tie the thing back down. Problem solved. We are on the road a whole five minutes before the next disaster strikes. This time the front of the over hang comes loose. I think, "Ok. I will get off at the next exit and fix this one too." But it can't hang on. It breaks loose from the top, falls on the highway at 65mph and sparks fly...literally. The wind is blowing like crazy, I have now way of getting up high enough to fix the over hang at the top of the trailer and the whole thing is bent all to hell. I have no option but to sacrifice the over hang. I get it detached from the trailer and tape down the slider arms that are still attached to the trailer. Side note: The only reason why they did not get left is because they are attached at the top of the trailer and I did not want to climb up there to get them. I had always wondered why I would see those things on the side of the road sometimes...now I know. We finally make it back home! All in all it was a great trip. We made it back safe and sound if not a little more insane.
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